When I discovered I was pregnant the first time and the second time, I literally jumped with joy!
However, I realize that some people may not be as happy about their second or third etc pregnancy especially if they are having family, money or relationship problems.
Mothers in Malaysia would have read and sympathized with the 35 year old mother who jumped to her death after she gave birth to a baby boy with physical or mental disabilities.
If I’m not wrong, the Chinese lady who abused the Indonesian maid was also diagnosed with post-natal depression…
Breastfeeding can be a difficult and frustrating journey…
Photo ©iStockphoto.com/ michellegibson (Source: “When baby blues turn into pscyhosis“)
In our case, we really wanted a second child but unlike the first pregnancy, my second birth was full or problems.
The breastfeeding journey was also full of problems.
Staying at home was also full of problems.
In general, I am a cheerful and happy-go-lucky person and would never, never, never have thought I’d be as down as I was during the first few months of my baby’s birth.
According to the article above:
Basically, baby blues last no more than two weeks. About 80% of all women who have given birth will have some extent of the baby blues.
The baby blues’ symptoms include a disturbed sleep pattern, loss of weight and fatigue. The woman, her hormones and body should adjust by two weeks and these blues would go away.
Post-partum depression checklist (if you have five out of the nine symptoms below you are medically depressed):
- Depressed – tearfulness, hopefulness, anxiety, feeling of emptiness*
- Loss of pleasure in all or almost all of your daily activities
- Appetite and weight change
- Sleeping difficulty (even when your baby is sleeping)*
- Restlessness, sluggishness
- Extreme fatigue or loss of energy*
- Feelings of worthlessness, guilt with no reasonable cause*
- Difficulty in concentrating and making decisions*
- Thoughts of death and suicide, or even of harming your child/children
*I experienced all the above and believe that breastfeeding problems made me GUILTY most of all. After all, who in their right minds would own up to FOUR breastpumps???
Furthermore, I’d planned to have the baby at home with me and I couldn’t find a helper that I finally had to give her to a babysitter. Again, another one of my “plans” failed.
Luckily, the babysitter turned out to be quite good and I was happy to see her well taken care of. I can’t stand babies or crying or screaming so I was going rather crazy with an active 2 month old baby who hardly slept during the day!
Post-partum psychosis checklist:
- Feeling removed from your baby, family and surroundings
- Disturbed sleep, even when your baby is sleeping
- Confused, disorganised thinking, risk of harming yourself, your baby or anyone else
- Drastic changes in mood and bizarre behaviour
- Extreme agitation and restlessness
- Unusual hallucinations (involving sight, smell or touch)
- Delusional thinking not based on reality
Many women experience post-partum depression and it’s really dangerous for the Mother and baby if they are stuck alone at home with the baby for too long (esp in the first few months).
Personally, I am lucky because:
1) I have family to stay with me,
2) I have a husband who will SMS or call me to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE” when I get too angry, complainy or naggy,
3) I have “child-free” friends who don’t mind being stuck with a talkative toddler and a bowl and spoon banging baby for a day at the mall etc.
4) I can pass the baby back to the babysitter on Monday!!! and
5) I can drive the kids out SOMEWHERE to burn off the excess energy and get some fresh air myself.
Seriously, if you are feeling a bit “too blue”…
- GET OUT OF THE HOUSE – just a short walk will do you good. Talking to anyone about anything will do you wonders.
- CALL SOMEONE – I don’t call my husband when he’s at work but I do call my friends etc
- GO ONLINE – I’m famous for pouncing on people to chat and then disappearing for months. I don’t know, I’m more of a face-to-face person?
- GO FACEBOOK – I don’t do much of this either but if it cheers you up, go for it.
- START A BLOG – I’ve done that, right? You can do it too!
My blog readers have been so, so, so supportive during the early months when I was bitching and ranting and wondering so much, I have no idea how to thank them enough.
If you know someone who just had a baby and you haven’t seen or heard from them for a while,
- CALL them – I couldn’t really answer calls because I was really, really busy with the kids or I was trying to sleep but it’s nice to see missed calls on my phone; At one time, I was happy to hear a friendly voice
- SMS them – Same as above but I could reply them even if I was stuck in the bedroom. SMSes also helped during the times I didn’t really feel like talking to anyone;
- VISIT them – I’m not sure about this and you’ll know your friend best to decide on this.
Personally, my home was a mess and the perfectionist that I am, I would be HORRIFIED if anyone I wasn’t close to (unless they are really, really, really nice) dropped by. Remember, I haven’t washed my windows in years? No, I DO NOT like surprise visits.
By the way, if you’re going to do any of the above, please remember to avoid the following:
- DO NOT ask, “How many ounces can you express? Are you fully breastfeeding your baby?” If no, don’t go, “Why NOT?”.If you can’t help, don’t make people feel worse than they already do. You are trying to CHEER that person up, right?
- DO NOT say negative things about the baby e.g. small, short, thin, dark, small eyes, naughty, stubborn etcIn the early months, the hormones are still raging strongly, which means we’re feeling quite like we’re having PMS i.e. “VERY SENSITIVE”.I think the old folks are quite prone to this, which is why it’s important for the new mother to have friends visiting…And if you are a good friend, you wouldn’t say anything that will hurt your friend, right?E.g. If you have big, strong and fair baby but your friend has a small, thin and dark baby, just be happy secretly and bask in the praises everyone gives. Don’t show off and say, “Oh, your baby is quite small, right?”If you can see it, I can see it too and I don’t need you or anyone else to tell me AGAIN.At one point, I was looking at my baby and thinking, “Why doesn’t she look like her brother?” but thankfully, many people could see her positive points and soon, I realize that I have a beautiful baby In fact, ALL BABIES ARE BEAUTIFUL and CUTE even when they cry… That’s what babies are good at!
- DO NOT say: “You put on a lot of weight during this pregnancy, ya?”, “You look so different!!!“
- We just had a baby, of course, we look different! If it takes 9 months to make a baby, it’ll take about 9 months to go back to the pre-baby stage, right?
- If the person is OK with it, you can ask about the birth story. I had to re-tell mine quite a number of times but I felt much better when people sympathized with me.
- One of my visitors actually said, “Who asked you to go for a C-section? You should have gone for a natural birth! Now, you complain…“I was blamed for getting an emergency C-section I felt quite terrible. You bet I didn’t want to talk more after that and couldn’t wait for that person to leave.
- Talk about light and funny stuff. e.g. Malaysian politics or “Places we should visit when your baby is 12 years old”
I hope I make sense in this post.
Dr Adnan’s final advice for pregnant women:
- Get as much knowledge as you can about pregnancy, emotions and post-partum depression and anxiety.
- Learn the symptoms.
- Plan before and after – the more planning you do, the better off you will be.
- Do not be afraid to ask for help – the more you ask, the more help you will find. If people judge you, it’s not your problem; it’s their problem.
Have a nice day, ok!
{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
I’m glad I wasn’t too affected by my post natal blues. Nonetheless I think this is a great sharing of yours. New mommies out there will definitely benefit from this reading. It’s part and parcel of pregnancy. Seek help if you sense your emotion is getting a but out of control.
Thank you for the wonderful tips! After my fussy baby arrived, I really appreciate staying with hubby’s family. Help is there when I need it.
When we look back, the difficult months seem to have flashed past, yah? Enjoy Mummyhood!
Much has and continues to be said about mums suffering post-partum blues. What about the fathers? Is it only all joy tinged with a some sympathy for her? It can’t be much better, surely. Read: www[dot]postpartummen[dot]com/
I think I don’t have baby blues depression after Marvel born, but I get tired hearing everyone, especially the olders giving so many advices, some of them actually different from others. and sometimes they won’t accept “new concept” because they’re experienced, sigh……
I was close to suicidal when I had #1 due to ALL of the above. I have only my husband to thank as he was my pillar of strength. But now that I’d managed to come out of it, I assessed what was toxic and avoided those things (and people) for pregnancies #2 and #3. Didn’t come close to being blue. And this is also why I’m 100% supportive of friends who had just had their 1st (or even subsequent) child. If you know of anyone who would feel better after hearing how I wanted to drive my car into the road divider, let me know!!
Oh! Before ppl say it, I will quickly tell them, oh yeah, she looks like her dad with her small eyes! So, that means you don’t have to tell me again! I received a very terrible comment like this how beautiful she would be if she had big eyes since she got very fair skin! Okay, that means she is not pretty! Oh please ppl! You don’t judge one’s beauty by the eyes only okay! Haha! Sorry to rant here! Seriously! I think ALL mummies are sensitive ALL time! And, kit, I don’t like surprise visitor too! The main reason is I am so ragged and smelly at home!
I did not feel much negativity even when I get those unwanted attention/words or etc… In my mind… I’m very focus… I want baby/babies and I am going to care for them my way… if they want to give any suggestions, I’ll go ‘Nah! Why don’t you take over if you think you’re that good!’ Well, everyone will stop pestering after that and they don’t/won’t want to be a kapohchi! hehehehe
Oh honey, I’m so sorry you went through it too. I was so depressed earlier this year, I really thought I was going bananas. T2 was such a stressful baby and I had that hooker helper who stressed me out and made me even MORE depressed!!! Friends said, I thought you only get PND the first few weeks after delivery?? Little did they know that PND can happen MONTHS later. Oh, it was horrible. Very unpleasant. How are you feeling now? You’re always free to email me *smile*
I didnt have major baby blues but my hubby almost drove me up the wall about how much A/C my dad was using during their stay. Other than that, about how much MIL didn’t understand that the baby just wanted to be nursed all the time (most of our mothers didn’t breastfeed). Lastly, I also hate it when people cannot ‘tahan’ or remember their manners when it comes to commenting.
great write up on post partum depression. I think I had this when Malaika was born. I was soooo stress, because the thought of leaving her with a stranger and the overwhelming feeling of becoming a first time mother. Finally, I quit my job, and am lucky that my hubs is supportive. WIth Kelsey, I didnt have any baby blues at all. Surprisingly..
Mine sounds similar to Lilis – no postpartum depression, only uninvited advices/remarks/comments about how to care or interprete the baby which happens to be different from what you have in mind or is currently practising.
Etceteramommy – Thanks for your sweet words
Hugs to you!
Lilis – Sigh, this “battle” goes on and on and on…
Paik Ling – I’d never have thought it was so bad for you. Thankfully, hubby is there for you. I know of women who experience it as bad as you but the husband’s part of the problem. This post is especially for them. Hang in there, girls, ok? If you really feel awful, please, please, please take the baby and go out for a walk. You’d be suprised at how *GOOD* you feel! Try it and see…
Leeyen / Angeleyes / Lifejuicer / Alice Phua – The three of you should become friends
Then, you’ll have some really good gab sessions 
Mamapumpkin – Ya, I had the “months later” type too and yes, it’s mostly because the baby is such a crying and clingy and whimpering little girl. She really drives me nuts sometimes
Now that I’m a full-time housewife, I make it a point to be extremely patient with her because if I don’t, then Hubby may lose his temper too…
Chew Lee – Mine is the other way around! I was working when I had the boy but now I’m not working when I’m having the girl. And I feel so stressed, even more stressed than when I was working full-time. But I’ve made my decision and will definitely do my best to make it work
Help, help, help!