Dethronement: How is the big brother?
With all the commotion surrounding the baby’s unexpectedly early arrival and my struggle with low milk supply, a few friends have been asking about the boy.
Did you know that first born children experience “dethronement” when a new baby arrives? Yup, since they were the “kings” and “queens” (or princesses) of the home, they do react strongly to the new arrival…
In our case, the big brother is GREAT!!!
I am really, really thankful to God he’s such a trooper because I read about the elder sibling being really, really jealous (and physically violent) towards the new baby. And of course, many cases of the elder sibling not letting the Mum breastfeed the baby 
He has been really, really sweet towards Mummy and baby:
1. When the baby starts to make sounds, he’ll get excited and stop whatever he’s doing and jump up yelling:
“The baby wants milk (or susu = Malay for milk)?”
“Look, Mummy, the baby is going to cry!”
2. He’ll try to pacify the baby:
“Don’t cry. Please don’t cry. It’s okay. It’s okay.” (He must have learned this from school because we don’t use these words!)
3. When I get ready to breastfeed, he’ll come to lift up my shirt
4. When visitors tease him by saying that they want to take the baby home with them, he gets REALLY protective:
“NO! You cannot take the baby! This is not your baby! This is Mummy’s baby!” LOL
5. When our reading or chat sessions get interrupted, he’ll patiently wait for me to finish breastfeeding (or bottle feeding) and then continue with what we’re doing.
Our main problem with him? He’s very excited and jumpy! Yes, even I fear him because he’ll dive onto me (and my C-sect stitches!!!).
Several times I’ve had to yell at him to go away (or at Hubby and anyone else to get him away). Now, he knows that he has to stop and get down on his knees about one foot away from the baby.
And, he CANNOT run or jump in the baby’s territory. Of course, when I’m carrying her, he’ll roll all over her place and even try out her little pillow (made from square cloth nappies).
SIGNS OF INSECURITY
Yes, he showed some signs and in line with the advice given in What to Expect When You’re Expecting
Because he’s very attached to me (read “Mummy’s best friend“), Hubby was sure he’d be threatened by the baby’s arrival especially when he said things like:
“No, I don’t want the baby!” or “Lucas is born already…”
Then again, he isn’t the jealous type because I’ve carried other babies without any fuss from him. He’s not very happy when I am caring towards other little boys though. And of course, he’ll wedge himself between Hubby and me in bed 
Towards the end of my pregnancy, I found that he:
1. Would ask me to do a lot of things he can easily do himself i.e. pull up his pants, bring his water bottle, rinse his mouth after brushing his teeth, feed him etc. I just do it without making any fuss because he’ll do it himself sometimes.
2. Insists on sleeping next to me. And I have to face him all the time! Even then, he would hold my hand until he falls asleep and he would snuggle as close to me as possible.
3. Refuses to go to the preschool and wants to follow me to the bank etc. It’s been really, really hard getting him out of the house…
WHAT HELPED?
- If you ask my opinion, I think this BBC documentary on how babies are made and born helped us start out on the right foot
- Talking about the baby *casually* whenever we see a baby around us so he’ll get used to the idea that a baby is coming soon,
- NEVER use the baby as an excuse for activities I cannot do with him esp. I can’t carry him because “Mummy’s hands are tired”.
- Later when the bump grew bigger and he couldn’t snuggle close to me, I told him that my stomach will hurt and the baby will cry if he pushes hard against me. Sometimes, he accepts it but sometimes he’ll say, “I want baby to cry!” I just stare at him without saying anything then.
- Preparing him for the baby’s arrival. Hubby prepped him by saying, “Mummy will go to the hospital, ok? The doctor will help Mummy take out the baby – you stay with Grandma, ok? Then, Papa will come back and bring you to see Mummy in the hospital.”
Luckily, the baby arrived on a weekday because he could still go to the preschool and stick to his routine. I wonder how we would have coped if it was a weekend! We’d probably have to call in his cousins…
- Having him join us on the second and third nights at the hospital. I understand now why Hubby opted for the private room.
Since the boy had to spend one night with Grandma, he kept asking “Where is Mummy?” that night itself and the morning after. He came to visit on the second day and Hubby would pick him up from preschool to spend the nights with us.
Of course, he enjoyed the hospital stay and traumatised the nurses by demanding for their clipboards, pens, stethoscopes, machines etc LOL
It’s been two weeks already and he is still as loving towards Alisa. Because of this, I think he deserves a really, really nice Christmas and 4th birthday, don’t you agree???
P/S I feel quite bad that I’m not able to spend as much time with him as he needs due to the confinement. Will definitely make it up to him after this!
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It’s great that Lucas is adjusting well. I guess some amount of attention seeking behaviour is expected, well sometimes it is amusing… Perhaps it’s a way to remind us that we have more than the little baby to love. Just so as long there is no violence. Take care.
Big HUG to Lucas for being super-duper great!!!! I think it also helps with a bigger age gap in my opinion. Bryan was very jealous when Brandon came along but is totally opposite with Bradley.
he is such a good big brother. yes, i agree … he deserves a very big and nice gift for the christmas and his birthday.
btw, did you get him anything when the baby was born saying the gift is from the baby? i read some books about it to help the elder sibling accept the new born more easily.
Lucas, you’re such a great kor-kor! Your mei-mei is one lucky girl to have a kor-kor like you.
Kittycat – well done! don’t worry about feeling guilty, i’m sure hubby and you will make it up to him in some other ways. rest well!
Well done Lucas…..a good n loving brother…
Kittycat…sorry for late wishes..CONGRATULATIONS !!!!
Please drop me an email if you need any help …hopefully I can help you as much as I can…
Take care and good rest yar….
haha…luckily he didn’t say “this is my BABY”
Yes, he is such a darling!!! Same with my boy. That’s why I always tell Sophie: Have to sayang kor-kor more later because he allows me to spend more time with her
Lucas is a very good kor-kor… you are lucky and blessed! Enjoy this joyful moment!!!
Naomi is exactly like Lucas especially the “Would ask me to do a lot of things he can easily do himself” … same same same. and Naomi is not jealous at all about her new sister!
#1-5 sounds familiar, save for the shirt lifting bit
We really have to be thankful that our elder child is so loving towards the second one. As Paik Ling mentioned, I think the bigger age gap really helps. Hopefully it’s not too huge that they can’t/won’t play together when they are older.
Lucas is so sweet; what a great helper! *clap clap clap*
I was worried initially when my girl arrived, but I was surprised that HQ coped really well eventhough the age gap is only 2 years; a great koko too
so glad to hear that Lucas is adjusting well to the new addition in the family.
Yes, he should get two big pressies for his good behaviour.
hi first time here. yey for lucas. such a good and considerate korkor. when ny girl was much younger she was also great with my 2nd one … its good .. i find that when they are much older they’d give in and protect each other endlessly.
Glad to hear that Lucas has been a great helper to mommy. I think sibling jealousy is a normal part of the child’s dvelopment especially when another younger sibling arrives. Jeremy was an angel too , helping me to get and discard diapers and rocking the baby to sleep in the cradle but his attention seeking behaviour has gotten worse since the confinement lady left and it has tested our patience to the very core especially when he mimics the cries of the baby when he can’t have or do as he pleases. It is so bad now that he doesn’t want anyone else to feed or change him unless that person is me. And he has started waking up two to three times a night crying like a baby. For me it is like caring for two babies. Can’t wait for his regressive behaviour to pass and I hope it will be soon. And yes like Lucas I need to face him when we sleep as well!
Well done Lucas for being such a great kor kor! I am expecting no. 2 too and this post really give me a heads up! Thanks for the information. How is your milk supply getting on? Syn told me you had some problem. Please let me know if you still need advice. I had very tough time breastfeeding my KJ. So i had been to the road you are now.
Take care!
That’s so comforting to have an older child who’s very supportive. Makes it easier for the parents, and the new arrival.
awww…i fell in luv with lucas boy after reading this, what a little angel god has sent u !!! i’m so looking forward to how my 2 monkeys would react with d arrival of the new addition
oh congrats on your delivery!din know you delivered already. Do take the opportunity to rest and build up your strength!
Bravo Lucas. I find that there is less jealousy due to the age gap.
So, whatcha getting him for Xmas?