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I found this from the University of Iowa and was surprised why I didn’t think of this immediately.

Reading it on Sunday night, I realized that I have been going through these stages and could have added to my own stress, in addition to what has been happening around me the past few months.

I am sharing this here in case others in my situation may also be aware of their own emotions and address them.

Remember, we have a life to live!

What is Grief?

Grief occurs in response to the loss of someone or something. The loss may involve a loved one, a job, or possibly a role (student entering the workplace or employee entering retirement). Anyone can experience grief and loss. It can be sudden or expected; however, individuals are unique in how they experience this event. Grief, itself, is a normal and natural response to loss. There are a variety of ways that individuals respond to loss.

Some are healthy coping mechanisms and some may hinder the grieving process. It is important to realize that acknowledging the grief promotes the healing process. Time and support facilitate the grieving process, allowing an opportunity to appropriately mourn this loss.

Common Reactions to Loss:

Individuals experiencing grief from a loss may choose a variety of ways of expressing it. No two people will respond to the same loss in the same way. It is important to note that phases of grief exist; however, they do not depict a specific way to respond to loss.

Rather, stages of grief reflect a variety of reactions that may surface as an individual makes sense of how this loss affects them. Experiencing and accepting all feelings remains an important part of the healing process.

Denial, numbness, and shock

This serves to protect the individual from experiencing the intensity of the loss. Numbness is a normal reaction to an immediate loss and should not be confused with “lack of caring”.

Denial and disbelief will diminish as the individual slowly acknowledges the impact of this loss and accompanying feelings.

When people ask me how I am, I can’t really answer because I was still in shock. But the words “numb” came to mind because I felt like a complete robot in April, just going through the motions of taking care of Lucas, clearing the house etc.

The “shock” and “denial” parts were intertwined because last week, I had a major crying episode at night because I was thinking “Why? Why my father? Why so quickly?”. You see, so many people around us have ailments, aches and pains and chronic illnesses. Lucas’ chor chor has been walking around with a brain tumour for the past 9 years.

They are all still alive. My “fit as a fiddle” father is not. These thoughts can drive you crazy because on one hand, I feel so heartsick at losing him yet on the other hand, I think it’s better for him to have gone this way, instead of suffering.

Then, I think again that I had last seen him alive just 4 f**king days ago! How could it be? The feeling of “I should have not gone back to China” comes up very strongly at this time. But I don’t want Hubby to feel bad. He knows I don’t blame him - I blame someone else.

All I can say is that this emotional rollercoaster is terrible. Having Lucas around forces me to achieve greater self-control as he still needs to be bathed, given milk, fed, changed, entertained and etc.

Bargaining
At times, individuals may ruminate about what could have been done to prevent the loss.
Individuals can become preoccupied about ways that things could have been better, imagining all the things that will never be.

This reaction can provide insight into the impact of the loss; however, if not properly resolved, intense feelings of remorse or guilt may hinder the healing process.

As mentioned above, this feeling is very strong and it’s worst when I’m in Penang because I subconsciously blame my mother for what happened.

She’s famous in our family for being slow, helpless and illogical. When disaster strikes, she just goes weak and relies on my father and the rest of us for support and action.

When I left, I was very worried about how she will take care of my father. My worst nightmare came true.

Depression
After recognizing the true extent of the loss, some individuals may experience depressive symptoms.

Sleep and appetite disturbance, lack of energy and concentration, and crying spells are some typical symptoms.

Feelings of loneliness, emptiness, isolation, and self-pity can also surface during this phase, contributing to this reactive depression.

For many, this phase must be experienced in order to begin reorganizing one’s life.

I have been feeling empty and also had difficulty going to sleep. I thought the insomnia was caused by the different sleep requirements i.e. I need a dark environment while my Mum and sister prefer light.

Emptiness is a strong feeling esp when my birthday and Mother’s Day came around. Even going to church makes me feel empty. And going to most of the rooms at my parents’ place. When you always have 2 parents accompanying you for most of these trips and occasions, it affects me deeply that now my father can’t join us anymore for all of these.

His absence is greatly felt because the light of our lives. He loved to joke and make fun of the situation. As we have a love-hate relationship, he enjoyed irritating the hell out of me. He somehow doesn’t do this as much with my other sisters. He said I was proud, I spoiled Lucas, I was spending too much money on toys, I was this and that.

He enjoys Western and spicy food, both of which my Mum does not, which means they cannot be found in the house because SHE can’t eat them.

Thus, each time I packed back nasi kandar, a Subway sandwich, Nando’s or any such item, he’d trade his home-cooked food with me. Or even asked if I’d bought one for him. Even though he complained or NEVER showed appreciation for them, I’d grudgingly buy one portion for him.

I am forever grateful to Hubby for *always* encouraging me to do the Christian thing and be forgiving. If not for him, I wouldn’t have bought him the imported chocolates, cookies, duty-free cigarettes (this we frequently make excuses that Benson & Hedges are always sold out at airports, usually true) the better quality suit for our wedding, the Starbucks coffee, dinner at Roadhouse Grill, Secret Recipe, Kenny Roger’s and all the other Western places we celebrated his birthday and Father’s Day.

Ultimately, I miss him for his joie de vivre. He is the sun to my mother’s shadow, the laughter to my mother’s sighs, the generosity to my mother’s miserliness, the lightheartedness to my mother’s seriousness, the positivity to my mother’s negativity, the quiet to my mother’s noise, the encouragement to my mother’s discouragement, the belief to my mother’s doubt…

He is the epitome of Life. He had such faith in God and his motto was always “life is short” - if you don’t enjoy life now, then when ever are you going to enjoy it?

Can you imagine how empty we all feel without him around?

Anger
This reaction usually occurs when an individual feels helpless and powerless.

Anger may result from feeling abandoned, occurring in cases of loss through death.

Feelings of resentment may occur toward one’s higher power or toward life in general for the injustice of this loss.

After an individual acknowledges anger, guilt may surface due to expressing these negative feelings.

Again, these feelings are natural and should be honored to resolve the grief.

I don’t feel angry with God because I think my Catholic upbringing is deeply ingrained that God has helped me to deal with all these feelings.

My anger is directed more towards my mother and myself but slowly, this is subsiding as I make peace with myself. I’m slightly more tolerant of my mother now, accepting that she is and will continue to be herself.

Acceptance
Time allows the individual an opportunity to resolve the range of feelings that surface.

The grieving process supports the individual. That is, healing occurs when the loss becomes integrated into the individual’s set of life experiences.

Individuals may return to some of the earlier feelings throughout one’s lifetime.

There is no time limit to the grieving process. Each individual should define one’s own healing process.

I have accepted my father’s passing and all the circumstances around it. I’m glad to read that the earlier feelings will continue to surface because I think missing him and thinking of the “what if he’s still alive” are the strongest ones to return time and again.

I think I will continue to do this the rest of my life but I will not be doing manic things like noting down the exact no. of days he has left us. Yearly anniversaries, birthdays, Christmas and Father’s day will do.

Factors that may hinder the healing process:

Avoidance or minimization of one’s emotions - this is unavaoidable since I am not alone and I also need to appear normal for Lucas.

Use of alcohol or drugs to self-medicate - don’t worry, no harm here. And definitely not going for anti-depressants!

Use of work (overfunction at workplace) to avoid feelings - I think I’m guilty of this when I was on a blogging frenzy. It helps a bit actually because I may just get sucked into depression if I didn’t do SOMETHING.

Guidelines that may help resolve grief
- Allow time to experience thoughts and feelings openly to self.
- Acknowledge and accept all feelings, both positive and negative.
- Use a journal to document the healing process.
- Confide in a trusted individual; tell the story of the loss.
- Express feelings openly. Crying offers a release.
- Identify any unfinished business and try to come to a resolution.
- Bereavement groups provide an opportunity to share grief with others who have experienced similar loss.
- If the healing process becomes too overwhelming, seek professional help.

I am very thankful for the support (comments, emails, SMS, calls) I have been getting from new and old friends. Naturally, those who have lost a parent recently understand better than others.

Those who are not in the same situation have been nice to just help me get work to do or chat about things close to my heart e.g. blogging, writing, teaching/learning English, my medical condition.

However, if I do not sound friendly or warm in my emails, it could be because you are asking me too many questions. Depending on our relationship, I don’t feel comfortable answering those questions. I’m sorry - it could just be a case of our not ‘clicking’ at this moment.

I hope you won’t bear me any hard feelings. I know you’re just trying to be helpful.

While my grieving is public, I am still a very private person.

RECOMMENDED READING
Death, The Final Stage of Growth. Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice Hall, 1975 Kubler-Ross, Elisabeth

On Death and Dying. New York: MacMillan, 1969 Kubler-Ross, Elisabeth

When Bad Things Happen to Good People. New York: Schocken Books, 1981Kushner, H.S.

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