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I will remember this date for the rest of my life.

It was our first weekday back in China and I went through my usual home-maker routine. Lucas was quite happy to be back with the toys and books that he missed when we were back in Malaysia. However, both of us definitely missed the folks at home.

During his morning nap, Lucas woke up a few times crying and had to be soothed back to sleep.

I was chatting with my little sis in the morning and she mentioned that my father was getting stronger. He could walk further and my Mum also said that he could get up from the bed on his own without her help.

That afternoon, Lucas made the unusual request of asking me to:

“Call Ma (Grandma)!”

I confirmed with him if it’s to phone Grandma and he grunted and nodded. I quickly went to set up the video as my sister was online. Grandpa was resting in the room and after some hitches, I managed to get Grandma on screen.

Lucas sat on my lap and uttered his first full:

“Grin-ma! Grin-pa!”

He also turned to me and asked, “Pa (Grandpa)?” with his hand upturned. He’s asking me where is Grandpa. I told him Grandpa is sick and resting in the room.

To this, he replied, “Mai (Hokkien=no) loud, soft soft” because I had turned down his Thomas VCD once when the music was too loud. I told him that Grandpa is sleeping and he agreed.

We didn’t manage to speak with Grandpa but got a progress update of his CT scan. They were at the hospital the entire morning. I later found out he had to drink 3 cups of dye and also had one inserted into the rectum. He was exhausted when he got back.

After the call, I did the unusual – I cleared our luggage. Usually, it’s Hubby’s job but as I couldn’t think of anything else to do, I did that. I separated the clothes into winter, spring and summer piles. The last pile was packed into a suitcase placed in the spare room.

In the evening, I also brought him out for a walk. Hubby insisted I did this as he didn’t want me cooped up in the house all day. Lucas was quite happy to be out in the fresh air and when we got back, I just had enough time to cook fresh vege for dinner.

At 7.30 pm, Hubby called to inform me he’s held up at the office and will be back late. I decided to have my dinner and then feed Lucas his. He was extra difficult that night as he cried and cried – eventually he fell asleep on the floor without his milk while I was having dinner.

At around 9.30 pm, I was working on Lucas’ 26 months update when I received an SMS from my little sis:

Papa is unconscious. Now in the hospital.

I think I stopped breathing as I couldn’t believe my eyes. I also became very scared. How did it happen? What’s going on? Pausing a moment to think if I should reply the SMS, I decided to call her up.

A neighbour answered the phone and told me my sister was driving back home to pick up my father’s medical records. She also told me not worry as everything’s was OK, I was very far away and that they would inform me of anything new. Wrong words.

I’ve never felt more helpless in my life then. I was so, so scared. The worst flooded my mind as I tried to imagine what could have gone wrong.

My uncle had just SMSed me from Rome and I replied with this news. He replied asking me to calm down as my father could be very weak and probably needed some nutrients to boost him up. I replied:

“But he is unconscious!”

He replied that I should pray for him. I then SMSed Hubby who also replied that I should pray.
With my heart beating fast, I clasped my hands, bowed my head and prayed a decade of the rosary for him. By then, I was already crying with fear.

At 10.10 pm, I answered the call on my cellphone at the first ring. My elder sister was on the line, sobbing:

“Papa is gone…”

I cried out with my whole heart and my cries echoed in the empty hall.
I cried for my father I had just kissed goodbye 4 days ago.
I had just brought him back from the hospital from the check-ups.
I had just made him a glass of berry-flavoured protein drink which he finished dutifully.
I had just told him to take care, to eat and that we’ll be back to see him soon.

All this is gone because I will NEVER be able to see him again. I hugged myself and alone in the hall, I cried and cried. My heart is broken forever.

I then called Hubby who said he’d come back immediately. He hugged me tightly as I cried but by then I was already tired from crying. I quickly fixed him dinner as we discussed plans to return immediately for the funeral.

My thoughts went to my sisters and my mother who were still at the hospital. My elder sister called me up,

Don’t be sad. It’s Papa’s wish. He’s not suffering anymore.

I could only nod amidst tears and say OK. I then fixed a hot drink and then went to sleep next to Lucas. Crying again, I kissed him because he has lost his beloved Grandpa who loves him very much.

He has Grandpa’s eyebrows, head, ears, musical ability, cheekiness and character including the grumpiness. Grandpa was his father figure while Hubby and I were apart in the first year and also when Hubby went to China. He and Grandpa were a team.

I vowed then that I would record down every memory I have of my father, save every scrap of his things, keep alive memories of the unforgettable personality he was and carry on the Catholic/Eurasian traditions he upheld fiercely with unbending will.

Pa, I will always remember you.

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